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08 October 2010 @ 03:34 pm
Feeling Lost and Lonely  
I am a mom to 3 wonderful kids and a wife to an absolutely amazing man. Now first off I would like to say that although I am having these feelings and emotions, I still feel truly blessed to have such a wonderful husband. I love him with all my heart and all in all we have an awesome relationship. He is my second marriage and last:) We have been together now for 6 yrs. If you would like a little bio of how we met and all I have it listed in my bio on my profile page. He treats me with the utmost respect, never raises his voice, always is willing to help out, etc. The thing that I loved the most about him when we met was how we used to talk and spend time together. We talked openly about our feelings, hopes and dreams, we went out together as a couple, we laughed, etc. And when we had any chance to be together we took it. Now I am feeling all of that slowly slip away. I am a stay at home mom due to mainly kids and transportation issues. He works from about 7 in the morning till around 7 at night 5 days a week. I miss him and I miss us. Usually during the week I dont get out very much, we dont have alot of money so when he gets his check on fridays, the weekends is when I go out and do shopping, paying bills, etc and by monday all the money for the week is gone lol. There was a time when there would be no question about this...if I was getting out to go do something and he was home he came with me, not because I asked him but because he wanted to, it gave us more time to spend together. Ever so often he would surprise me and take me out to eat when we had the money. Or he would light the house with candlelight with music and food after the kids went to bed. Now it seems as if all thats gone. It has gotten to where on the weekends when I go out to run errands, get groceries, etc..I am always going by myself. Now the thing is...is that if I asked him would he go with me...he would go without even a grumble...but from my point of view if he really wanted to go and to spend time with me, he would just come, or ask if I would like him to come along...but he doesnt. So that makes me feel like he doesnt want to go. And in my eyes if I have to ask him if he would go with me then I would rather him stay home because I would know that he was only coming because I asked and not because he truly wanted to. I sit at home all week long in these 4 walls with no one to talk to..my life during the week consists of cleaning house and facebook lol. I am on facebook alot because thats the only connection to other human beings I have. I have close friends and family on there and it makes me feel a little bit normal. Thats another thing that bugs me...he has a facebook also but basically only uses it to play a game or two and to see if he has any messages. I will be sitting at home and sometimes throughout the day I will post something about how much I love him or how thankful I am of him, sometimes I will post status shuffles to "hint" to him how I am feeling and he most of the time never reads them. If I want him to read them I have to tell him...hey I posted something I want you to read and then he will go read it but even then he wont comment...he'll just say something like I love you too sweetie to my face lol. It may seem trivial and it might just be a manifestation of my feelings and emotions on us not ever doing anything together anymore but it hurts and I get so jealous because I see other husband and wives writting each other all the time on facebook and I wish that we were like that. I mean..do I just not mean that much to him anymore to where he has no interest in what I have wrote throughout the day? I think if the tables were turned when I got home his page would be the first I would go to if I knew he was on facebook alot simply because I want to be as much part of his life as possible. Maybe thats just it..I dont feel like he is a part of my life anymore...I am married and we love each other but everything that is part of my immediate life I do solo. I sit at home by myself, I am on facebook by myself, I go run errands by myself, I go grocery shopping by myself. I just feel so alone and as my screen name says...invisible! I remember back when we were dating and for several years afterwards how much passion I saw in his eyes just when he looked at me, kissed me, or took me in his arms and I miss that. I have talked with him before on this to some extent and he says he loves me as much as he always has, that its not me but him. He says he has so much stress on him right now with bills, work and also he is in alot of physical pain from working that no one can do anything about. He says he trys to hide alot of the pain because he doesnt want me to know how much pain he is in but I see it and I know. Most of the time after a weeks work he just doesnt feel like getting out and doing anything on the weekends except resting and getting ready for the next week ahead. I truly can understand this, I really can but what am I suppose to do with how I feel? Am I just being selfish and should I just accept it and learn to deal with it? That this is the way its gonna be from now on? One other thing I feel that may be adding to it is that I dont feel he truly understands what I do and go through each day. I feel that he feels I just sit around and do not much of nothing all day and that I am lazy and he is the one out there busting his butt. Could this be one reason why he feels differently for me and isnt as interested in me as he used to be? Although he says he still does? I am by no means a clean freak and I dont cook much...I used to cook more often back when our oven worked but after it broke I slacked off even more from cooking. But I still cook a big meal several times a week and the rest is stove top dinners, etc. And although my home doesnt look all that clean I do clean alot throughout the day!! I do several loads of laundry, sweep, pick up, clean the yard, take out all the garbage, re-pick up all the garbage when the dogs get into it lol. We have 5 people in our family so its REALLY hard to keep the house looking spotless with that many and I sometimes get overwhelmed by it all feeling like its all on me and I never get a thank you or acknowledgment for the effort I put into it. Im the one who worries when the kids are going to need new clothes, how are we gonna pay for it, when the kids need stuff for school, which bill are we gonna pay this week and how much, the past week I had to go to walmart to buy a gate for our puppy and as I stood there in walmart (as usual by myself) I started feeling resentful that I was having to stand there and decide which one would be best without any help or input. I guess I just dont feel like we are a team anymore and its killing me!!! I dont know if its me or him or what, all I do know is that I just feel like crawling into a hole and dying at times and that no one would care or even notice. I just wish we had some of that togetherness back and some of that romance back....I miss him..I miss us:(

P.S. I am so so sorry for the length of this..it has been built up for awhile now and I had nowhere to release it where I felt safe:)
 
 
Current Mood: lonelylonely
Current Music: Only God Knows Why
 
 
 
Roeroeita on October 9th, 2010 12:51 am (UTC)
I can totally understand where you are coming from. My husband and I are parents to four month triplets :)

But this is how I worked it out. I talk to him all the time. I don't care how redundant I get. I make sure I tell him how important our time together is. And if I want him to come with me somewhere, or to spend time with him, I'm not shy about letting him know that I want to spend time with him. Men are wired differently from us. When they are working hard, or are tired, they don't think about romance. Surprise him with massages, or hot baths. Show him how much you love him. My husband doesn't ever respond to me on Facebook. Don't let that bother you. My husband thinks the internet is for punks and teenagers lol. I accept that. Make sure you remind him how important he is to you, and if he's too tired to go out, or the check doesn't stretch that far, then that's fine. You make him a special dinner, order a movie for the two of you to watch on his night off, and you surprise him with candles.

I think women need to take more of an initiative to have the life, and sex life they want with their partner. Your husband doesn't sound disinterested, just tired. So, don't be shy to surprise him. Get creative, spoil him a bit.
Roeroeita on October 9th, 2010 12:52 am (UTC)
Also, be sure to keep yourself in the best possible condition. Do your nails, keep your feet nice (I give myself my own manicures and pedicures). Invest in making you feel good and sexy, and that will also help to get him in the mood for romance.
Marijke Rosemarijke_rose on October 9th, 2010 07:17 pm (UTC)
Um... I second all that!

I tried that, waiting for a really wonderful guy to 'get the hint' and... it just didn't work. Led to fights, because I was regularly disappointed. Now, I have taken that stance that: If I haven't directly TOLD him, then I can expect him to be clueless. IF I tell him what I want/expect/need, and he won't meet it, THEN it's his bad.

I dunno.. I think guys just act totally different at the beginning of a relationship - 'cause they're trying to woo you - and then, later, when you've been together a while, you both fall back into your usual habits and daily schedules and sponanity isn't such a big part of it.

Plus, if he's working 12 hours a day, 5 days a week and has pain on top of that.. I can definitely see where he just won't have the energy to do anything if he doesn't realise it's important. It is, of course, not easy for you, either. I SO remember how upsetting it was to be home alone all the time!
cpufemcpufem on October 9th, 2010 02:20 am (UTC)
"Now the thing is...is that if I asked him would he go with me...he would go without even a grumble...but from my point of view if he really wanted to go and to spend time with me, he would just come, or ask if I would like him to come along...but he doesnt. So that makes me feel like he doesnt want to go."

don't try to mindread-- it's a futile task. relationships require communication from both parties. if you're not voicing it, he's not going to know.

theinvisiblemomtheinvisiblemom on October 9th, 2010 10:57 pm (UTC)
Thanks everyone for all your advice:) I know that I just need to suck it up and get over waiting for him to "want" to go do things with me. Wishful thinking I guess lol. And I do know that he's in alot of pain:( Thanks everyone for putting my mindset back on the right perspective:) And your right Marijke it gets very lonely just sitting at home with no friends to go out and do things together ever so often lol. I live in a small town and just moved here about a year ago so I dont know hardly anyone:)All my close friends are hundreds of miles away! lol
kkaeeak3786 on October 16th, 2010 05:59 pm (UTC)
What I hear from you is pure excuses. Having three children does not give you an excuse to sit at home all day and do nothing but go on facebook. Volunteer at a local shelter or animal shelter-you can meet a lot of awesome ppl, join a club- in my community we have a ton of free clubs, get a hobby (running, working out, reading, nitting,etc), or get a part time job to get you out of the house and meet ppl.

I'm 24 years old and a female-I work as a PR/media/communications rep for bentley/rolls royce and work 10 hour days plus 1.5 hr commute one way and travel 10 days out of the month-my b/f of 6 years works 6 hours a day 4 days a week but get paid 50 hours a week (his job is awesome) and in the bginning he was extremly bored but he picked up a few hobbies, made a new friend adn we MAKE it a point on saturday nights to play a bored game or watch a movie from netflicks and order in-that's when we talk a lot.

On weekends I DONT go anywhere.

stop making excuses up for yourself
Heatherspiltvinegar on December 5th, 2010 04:55 pm (UTC)
Are you at home by yourself all day, or with the kids? If you are with the kids, maybe you can look into programs for them in the community (think reading groups at the library, craft groups at the local community center, etc.). While the kids are in the activities, you may be able to meet some of the other parents and start a stronger social network.

If the kids are in school, maybe consider joining your own book group, developing a hobby (use something like Craigslist to find a walking buddy, knitting group) or volunteer (at an animal shelter, library, or soup shelter...etc). If you're a crafty person, maybe consider starting your own Etsy page to put your wares on.

Overall, my suggestion is leading to this: if you have a fuller life, you may not be so dependent on your husband as your only source of entertainment. Maybe once that pressure is off, you can stop having the same conversation. My other piece of advice is this: every day, make a to-do list. It can have some mundane things on it (wash the dishes, bathe the baby), but write down at least 5 things you will accomplish that day. And check them off as you do them. You will feel better if you have set goals and accomplished them. Try to do one thing "out of the ordinary" each day...it could be a new activity, it could be writing a letter to a friend. Point being, fill your day with more than just facebook, and you'll have something to talk about with him.

And when you do talk to him, be direct if you are not getting what you want. If he doesn't check facebook, passive-aggressive status updates aren't going to get you anywhere. Plan for 2 date nights a month. Start reading a book together. Do something low-key to start that is out of the ordinary.
Madeleine Jason: pic#123027432Madeleine Jason on March 24th, 2014 01:33 pm (UTC)
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tommycruisestommy50702 on November 6th, 2014 02:51 pm (UTC)
It's just hard to talk about your feelings because you don't want to hurt your spouse.