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08 October 2010 @ 03:34 pm
Feeling Lost and Lonely  
I am a mom to 3 wonderful kids and a wife to an absolutely amazing man. Now first off I would like to say that although I am having these feelings and emotions, I still feel truly blessed to have such a wonderful husband. I love him with all my heart and all in all we have an awesome relationship. He is my second marriage and last:) We have been together now for 6 yrs. If you would like a little bio of how we met and all I have it listed in my bio on my profile page. He treats me with the utmost respect, never raises his voice, always is willing to help out, etc. The thing that I loved the most about him when we met was how we used to talk and spend time together. We talked openly about our feelings, hopes and dreams, we went out together as a couple, we laughed, etc. And when we had any chance to be together we took it. Now I am feeling all of that slowly slip away. I am a stay at home mom due to mainly kids and transportation issues. He works from about 7 in the morning till around 7 at night 5 days a week. I miss him and I miss us. Usually during the week I dont get out very much, we dont have alot of money so when he gets his check on fridays, the weekends is when I go out and do shopping, paying bills, etc and by monday all the money for the week is gone lol. There was a time when there would be no question about this...if I was getting out to go do something and he was home he came with me, not because I asked him but because he wanted to, it gave us more time to spend together. Ever so often he would surprise me and take me out to eat when we had the money. Or he would light the house with candlelight with music and food after the kids went to bed. Now it seems as if all thats gone. It has gotten to where on the weekends when I go out to run errands, get groceries, etc..I am always going by myself. Now the thing is...is that if I asked him would he go with me...he would go without even a grumble...but from my point of view if he really wanted to go and to spend time with me, he would just come, or ask if I would like him to come along...but he doesnt. So that makes me feel like he doesnt want to go. And in my eyes if I have to ask him if he would go with me then I would rather him stay home because I would know that he was only coming because I asked and not because he truly wanted to. I sit at home all week long in these 4 walls with no one to talk to..my life during the week consists of cleaning house and facebook lol. I am on facebook alot because thats the only connection to other human beings I have. I have close friends and family on there and it makes me feel a little bit normal. Thats another thing that bugs me...he has a facebook also but basically only uses it to play a game or two and to see if he has any messages. I will be sitting at home and sometimes throughout the day I will post something about how much I love him or how thankful I am of him, sometimes I will post status shuffles to "hint" to him how I am feeling and he most of the time never reads them. If I want him to read them I have to tell him...hey I posted something I want you to read and then he will go read it but even then he wont comment...he'll just say something like I love you too sweetie to my face lol. It may seem trivial and it might just be a manifestation of my feelings and emotions on us not ever doing anything together anymore but it hurts and I get so jealous because I see other husband and wives writting each other all the time on facebook and I wish that we were like that. I mean..do I just not mean that much to him anymore to where he has no interest in what I have wrote throughout the day? I think if the tables were turned when I got home his page would be the first I would go to if I knew he was on facebook alot simply because I want to be as much part of his life as possible. Maybe thats just it..I dont feel like he is a part of my life anymore...I am married and we love each other but everything that is part of my immediate life I do solo. I sit at home by myself, I am on facebook by myself, I go run errands by myself, I go grocery shopping by myself. I just feel so alone and as my screen name says...invisible! I remember back when we were dating and for several years afterwards how much passion I saw in his eyes just when he looked at me, kissed me, or took me in his arms and I miss that. I have talked with him before on this to some extent and he says he loves me as much as he always has, that its not me but him. He says he has so much stress on him right now with bills, work and also he is in alot of physical pain from working that no one can do anything about. He says he trys to hide alot of the pain because he doesnt want me to know how much pain he is in but I see it and I know. Most of the time after a weeks work he just doesnt feel like getting out and doing anything on the weekends except resting and getting ready for the next week ahead. I truly can understand this, I really can but what am I suppose to do with how I feel? Am I just being selfish and should I just accept it and learn to deal with it? That this is the way its gonna be from now on? One other thing I feel that may be adding to it is that I dont feel he truly understands what I do and go through each day. I feel that he feels I just sit around and do not much of nothing all day and that I am lazy and he is the one out there busting his butt. Could this be one reason why he feels differently for me and isnt as interested in me as he used to be? Although he says he still does? I am by no means a clean freak and I dont cook much...I used to cook more often back when our oven worked but after it broke I slacked off even more from cooking. But I still cook a big meal several times a week and the rest is stove top dinners, etc. And although my home doesnt look all that clean I do clean alot throughout the day!! I do several loads of laundry, sweep, pick up, clean the yard, take out all the garbage, re-pick up all the garbage when the dogs get into it lol. We have 5 people in our family so its REALLY hard to keep the house looking spotless with that many and I sometimes get overwhelmed by it all feeling like its all on me and I never get a thank you or acknowledgment for the effort I put into it. Im the one who worries when the kids are going to need new clothes, how are we gonna pay for it, when the kids need stuff for school, which bill are we gonna pay this week and how much, the past week I had to go to walmart to buy a gate for our puppy and as I stood there in walmart (as usual by myself) I started feeling resentful that I was having to stand there and decide which one would be best without any help or input. I guess I just dont feel like we are a team anymore and its killing me!!! I dont know if its me or him or what, all I do know is that I just feel like crawling into a hole and dying at times and that no one would care or even notice. I just wish we had some of that togetherness back and some of that romance back....I miss him..I miss us:(

P.S. I am so so sorry for the length of this..it has been built up for awhile now and I had nowhere to release it where I felt safe:)
 
 
Current Mood: lonelylonely
Current Music: Only God Knows Why
 
 
 
theinvisiblemomtheinvisiblemom on October 9th, 2010 10:57 pm (UTC)
Thanks everyone for all your advice:) I know that I just need to suck it up and get over waiting for him to "want" to go do things with me. Wishful thinking I guess lol. And I do know that he's in alot of pain:( Thanks everyone for putting my mindset back on the right perspective:) And your right Marijke it gets very lonely just sitting at home with no friends to go out and do things together ever so often lol. I live in a small town and just moved here about a year ago so I dont know hardly anyone:)All my close friends are hundreds of miles away! lol